Being gifted with talent or intelligence is the worst. I'm constantly running in first while others try and trip me up like it's some kind of sick competition. I'm wonderfully gifted at art but I hate admitting that to my peers because I know for a fact that it is true. Some of them hadn't even heard of a colour wheel till they took a drawing and rendering class in college. I was shocked to be honest since they had boasted about their skill. I've tried to hide mine but once they see they are devastated and loose their own confidence... That's the worst part... Without me doing anything but allow them to glance or look at my sketch book pages I have destroyed someone's ego and caused them to think they will never succeed. It hurts my soul to see it, some hide it behind praise for how great my hand is but I can still see the pain in their eyes.
The same goes with fixing things in the shop or sewing. I can be given the same project at the same time and finish it before the other person is half done and it is generally as close to perfect as it can be... I hate it. I work hard and that is all I strive to get things done so I can move onto the next thing.
Yesterday was no different... I was caught in the cycle I had to present my designs for the opera Alcina that we are working on... I feel disgusted with myself seeing the defeated look of 20 people all at once. It hurts. I sped through my presentation partially because of this and partially due to my 20 minutes getting cut to 10. Mortified. I got praise and I also got looks of distain as I walked out. This is also a graduate level project not a first design assignment for an undergrad...
Today I was given a complicated project that after the fact I was told was something they normally would have given to one of the professional shop staff but they were too busy with other builds... All that time I thought that I was working way too slow but the jacket looked like it had been to the professional tailor so I guess I did well...
Ugh.
Tuesday I have a portfolio review at 12:30 with the painting professor to tack on an Art minor to go with my Art History minor. I might overwork myself a little too much... Oops. 18 hours for both of my final semesters for undergrad? Don't mind if I do.
This is one of the many gem's from my portfolio.
Appointment with therapist on the 14th... Valentines day... ugh.
~Elizabeth
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